Surviving the Loss of A Partner

When you lose a partner, you experience a unique, inexplicable pain that seems unending. Just putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day becomes an overwhelming challenge.

In a room full of people, you feel alone. Well-meaning friends tell you they know how you feel because they've lost a parent, grandparent or sibling. They don't understand the difference - that you've lost your other half, your best friend, the parent of your children, the person with whom you planned to spend the rest of your life. You've not only lost your spouse, but your future.

Others may compare your loss to their divorces, not realizing that they can still see, talk to and share parenting concerns with their former spouses. They may even have hopes of reuniting. For you, none of those things will ever be possible. In addition, their children can still have a relationship with the other parent - but your children never will again.

Feeling that no one understands can make you feel even more alone. That's why it's so important to get the support you need.

Ways to find help

Support groups can be found through churches, hospitals, social service organizations and funeral homes. If you're not ready to join a support group, WidowNet; GriefNet; Grief, Loss and Recovery; and Chapter Two offer online support, allowing you to communicate with other widows and widowers via message boards.

If you have suicidal thoughts or find yourself turning to alcohol or drugs to numb your pain, call a health care professional, family member or friend for help. If you feel like you might hurt yourself, seek immediate medical help.

Moving on

What can you do to put your life back together? How do you pick up the pieces and go forward? Believe it or not, there is hope. Although you can't have your old life back, you can build a new one.

No, you will never "get over" the partner you lost, nor would you want to. Moving on doesn't mean leaving your loved one behind or forgetting that person ever existed. It means moving forward - bringing the memories of your loved one with you - but moving forward just the same.

Dealing with grief

You can't go over, under or around grief. Working long hours or keeping constantly busy doesn't prevent the misery - it just delays grieving. The only way to work though the many complex feelings of grief is to let yourself experience the pain.

Treat yourself with care and remember the following:

• You'll move through grief in stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), but not necessarily in order. You can also get stuck in one stage or move back and forth between them.
• Everyone grieves differently, so move at your own pace. There is no set timetable.
• Numbness is OK. It protects you from your emotions until you are fully ready to deal with them.
• Grieving is hard work and can be exhausting. Try to get plenty of sleep.
• Grief counseling can help you deal with your feelings. It's also important to be able to differentiate between normal grief and depression - there is a difference.
• Attacks of grief can strike without warning. Find comfort in knowing they'll become less frequent and intense as time goes on.
• Find the support of other widows/widowers. You'll realize you're not alone.
• Find comfort in spirituality, faith, nature or whatever gives you peace.
• Realize your loss will change you forever as a human being. This doesn't mean you'll never be happy again - only that you won't be the same person you were before.

Helping widowed friends

If you haven't lost a partner, but have a friend or relative who has, here's how you can help:

• DON'T make comments like, "You're young - you'll remarry." Your friend has lost a lifelong partner - the only one he or she wants. It will be a long time before he or she can make decisions about the future.
• DO offer to be there...and follow through. Once the funeral is over, the widow or widower is often forgotten. For longer than you may realize, your friend's pain will feel fresh and raw, and the support of loved ones will be needed. Be there for the duration.
• DON'T assume that mentioning the lost loved one is taboo. Your friend will probably welcome it and appreciate that you're keeping his or her partner's memory alive.
• DON'T compare your friend's loss to your own, unless you, too, have lost a partner. Losing a parent, grandparent, or aunt - or going through a divorce - is not the same as losing a life partner. Those losses are also devastating - but different.

Related Articles Losing a Parent, Spouse or Child What to Say to Someone Who is Grieving Emotions and Behaviors Associated With Grief What Is Grief?

External Sources Center for Grief Recovery Rutgers University WidowNet

This article was reviewed and updated June 2007.

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