Surviving the Holidays When You've Lost a Loved One

When someone you love has died, the holiday season can magnify your feelings of loneliness, loss and grief. If you're wondering how you can face the holidays after the loss of a loved one, try planning ahead to make the season less painful.

Put yourself first

Rule number one is to do what makes you comfortable. Don't try to meet anyone else's expectations of how you should act or feel.

If you have children, ask how they want to observe the holidays. After you've come to a decision as a family, tell friends and other family members what you've decided.

Decide about traditions

Which traditions do you want to stick with, which would you like to change and which would you rather avoid? If you want to put up your tree, go ahead. If you'd rather not have the holiday meal at home as before, go somewhere else. If you don't feel up to sending holiday cards, skip them this year.

If old traditions are too painful, start new ones, or change them this year and go back to them when you feel ready. Try taking a trip somewhere you've never been before - opening yourself up to new sights and sounds and avoiding the traditional holiday atmosphere.

Do something for someone else

Volunteer at a soup kitchen, visit shut-ins, ask someone who is alone to share the holiday with you or give food and gifts to a needy family. These things can give you a much-needed boost.

Be realistic

Don't pressure yourself to make the day perfect. Remember the following things:

• Don't expect too much of yourself. If holiday planning becomes overwhelming, it's OK to ask for help.
• Allow yourself to cry. You'll feel better if you let your feelings out. Your loved ones will understand your emotions.
• The first holiday season without your loved one is the hardest. Next year, you'll know that you've survived this once and can survive it again.
• The anticipation of the holiday is usually much worse than the holiday itself. Your state of mind on the actual holiday may surprise you.
• Don't feel guilty for laughing or enjoying yourself. Give yourself permission to smile.
• Keep gifts simple and inexpensive. Financial worries add to stress, so don't get in over your head.
• Eat healthy foods and get plenty of rest and exercise. Grief can be draining, so take care of your health.

Remember your loved one

Remembering your loved one in a special way can be comforting. Keep your loved one's memory alive by:

• Making a donation to charity in his or her name.
• Having a moment of silence, a prayer or a special toast in your loved one's memory.
• Placing a special ornament on the tree that symbolizes your loved one in some way.
• Hanging his or her stocking with everyone else's.
• Writing notes to your loved one and placing them inside the stocking.
• Telling stories and sharing memories about your loved one.
• Serving his or her favorite foods.
• Showing home movies or looking through old photo albums.
• Playing your loved one's favorite music.
• Visiting the cemetery.
• Engaging in religious or spiritual observances.

Remember that there is no right or wrong way to spend your holiday. Do whatever gives you comfort, and spend time with people who support and understand you.

Related Articles Surviving the Loss of a Partner Emotions and Behaviors Associated With Grief Got the Holiday Blues? Is it Grief or Clinical Depression? Holiday Depression Among Seniors Not Feeling So Jolly?

External Sources GriefNet Hospice Foundation of America National Mental Health Association

This article was reviewed and updated June 2007.

Search