Losing a Parent, Spouse or Child

The following suggestions are based on a series of "GriefWork" guides published by the Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service with support from the Funeral Directors Association of Kentucky. Information on coping with a child's death comes from Compassionate Friends, a nonprofit self-help organization for anyone who has lost a child.

When a parent dies

• Forgive. Even in the best of relationships, there usually are memories that need healing. Ponder your relationship with your parent. Bring to mind points of hurt and regret. Without rushing, forgive yourself for being human and forgive your parent for the times he or she failed you. Repeat this exercise as often as you feel the need. If the hurts are deep, consider obtaining professional counseling.
• If spirituality is important to you, draw on this resource. In whatever way you relate to God (or higher power), pour out your heart and seek guidance. Times of solitude, inspirational reading, prayer, meditation and community worship can comfort and enlighten you as you confront the mystery of death.
• Write letters. Write two letters to your deceased parent. In the first, express your feelings. Let your second letter be a message of gratitude. This exercise can be especially helpful if you never expressed your gratitude when your parent was alive.
• Treasure fond memories. Collect mementos of your mother or father and put them in a scrapbook. This can be a healing adventure for you, as well as a treasure you can share with family members. Another tack is to invite your parent's close friends over and ask them to take turns sharing their memories, which you can tape record.

When a spouse dies

• Postpone unnecessary changes. Wait a while before moving or making a major career change. First allow yourself to grieve and heal. Then you'll have a fresher perspective and more energy for getting on with your life.
• Reach out to others. Although you will need time to yourself, it is also essential that you share your thoughts and feelings. Find a few people you respect and trust, and pour out your heart. You may long for romantic companionship and wonder about dating. Let that step come gradually. You'll know if and when it's the right time for you.
• Take time with your spouse's belongings. You need not sort through your spouse's clothes and other belongings right away - only when you feel ready.
• Be adventurous. After you've given yourself time to grieve and heal, let yourself dream. Then follow your heart. Redecorate your home, try a new hobby or explore new places, ideas or people.

When a child dies

• Talk about your child. After losing a child, your friends and relatives often don't know what to say. Talk about your child so that they know this is appropriate. Also tell your friends and family how they can be supportive.
• Don't fight your feelings. Guilt can be a normal part of grief. You may think you played an unwitting role in your child's death by failing to protect him or by not obtaining medical care quickly enough. To resolve your guilt, express and share these feelings, and learn to forgive yourself.
• Sidestep negative thought. When a child dies, parents may find themselves replaying their child's death scene in their minds -- an emotionally draining process, indeed. When unhealthy or self-defeating thoughts occur, tell yourself, "Stop!" while visualizing a large stop sign. Then immediately put your mind on more positive, constructive thoughts. Doing something physical also can help break the cycle of negative thinking.
• Don't forget your other children. They are grieving, too, and need your support and affirmation of your love.
• Give of yourself. In giving to others, we give to ourselves and thus promote our own healing and well-being.

Related Articles What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving Is it Grief or Clinical Depression? Emotions and Behaviors Associated With Grief What Is Grief?

External Sources Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service Compassionate Friends Funeral Directors Association of Kentucky

This article was reviewed and updated June 2007.

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