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By Melissa Tennen, HealthAtoZ writer
Perhaps you are angry at a relative who said something hurtful. Maybe your friend didn't call you on your birthday. Perhaps your spouse cheated on you. Whatever it is, you feel hurt and angry, and you nurse those feelings - sometimes for months, sometimes for years.
Although it may feel like something important to hold onto, this grudge is no life preserver. In fact, anger and stress hurt your physical and mental health.
When you hold a grudge, your anger causes your body to behave as if it's under constant stress, with the stress hormones kicking into high gear. This can increase your blood pressure and heart rate and lower your immune system. It eats energy out of your life, and doesn't make you feel very well.
So, is it time to forgive?
Forgiveness means letting go of your anger, which is no easy task. By forgiving, you assume a greater understanding of why a person did what he or she did, even if you don't agree with it. The idea here is not so much to benefit the person who hurt you, but rather to help you move forward and live a healthier life. You may or may not reconcile with this person. That depends on you.
Letting go of anger does not mean you stuff your feelings away. It means changing how you think about the situation. You can't change what happened, but you can change your attitude and interpretation.
When you forgive, you are taking control of your future happiness. You learn to replace the feelings of anger with feelings of good will. You don't have to confront the person, and you may never have a relationship with that person ever again. The idea is to stop thinking about the situation in the context of your anger.
By forgiving, you reduce your stress levels. Keep in mind, though, that each situation is different. If you are in an abusive relationship, your main focus should be on getting out of the situation for good.
Follow these tips to help you let go of your anger:
- Write down your thoughts. Think about what upsets you and how you feel about it. Writing can give you tremendous perspective.
- Think about possible motives. Often people do and say things in fits of anger. Most people do not do things out of hatred, but out of intense emotion. They may later regret their actions. Sometimes, it's just the way people are. A friend who forgets your birthday probably is a forgetful person, not someone who doesn't care about you.
- Don't forgive until you are ready. For some people, it may be years.
- Don't focus on righting the wrong or getting revenge.
- Don't hold out for an apology. That may never happen.
- Talk to someone. This can be a friend or a therapist. Someone who is neutral can help you gain a new perspective.
Keep in mind that forgiveness is a gift to yourself.
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External Source
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Harvard Women's Health Watch newsletter
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This article was reviewed and updated June 2007.
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