What to Do When a Friend is Seriously Ill

Your friend has a serious illness. That's a cold fact. So, it seems easy enough. Just pick up the phone and call...but what do you say? Well, that's the tough part - figuring out what to say. But not saying - or doing - anything is a hundred times worse.

Of course, you can't make the illness go away, but you can support your friend. Here's what you can do.

• Just call. You don't have to plan out what you will say. Remember, you had a friendship before this. Your friend hasn't changed, just the situation.

• Say, "What do you want me to do to help?" rather than, "Do you want help?"

• Arrange for a facial, a massage or even dance lessons for your friend or, better yet, do these things for her yourself. This can help your friend with the stress of dealing with her illness and strengthen the bond between the two of you at a time when your loved one needs you the most.

• Do some of the cooking, cleaning and shopping so your friend can de-stress a little and concentrate on getting better.

• Encourage your friend to confide in you about his fears, anger and other feelings. Don't criticize your friend for how he feels about the illness. People who are seriously ill go through a series of stages such as denial, anger and acceptance. This is perfectly normal, and everyone experiences these stages differently. All you have to do is be there to listen. But don't push your friend to talk.

• Don't worry about what your conversations should be about when you see your friend. A simple hug or holding your friend's hand may be all that is needed. Even just saying, "I love you" may be enough.

• Teach your friend a new hobby like knitting or working in the garden. This can help her unwind and think about other things besides her illness.

• If your friend is crying, don't fret over what to say. Just a hug or listening is enough.

• If you think your friend is depressed, urge him to tell the doctor. Depression may interfere with how well your friend is taking care of himself.

• Be positive and strong.

• Take care of yourself in the process. Exercise and eat right. Exercise can be a great way to cope and release your stress.

Remember, friendship is powerful and life holds no promises. Help your friend appreciate life.

Related Articles The Healing Power of Friendship What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving Q&A: What to Say When a Child Dies Is it Grief or Clinical Depression?

External Sources American Psychological Association National Family Caregivers Association

This article was reviewed and updated June 2007.

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