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The holiday season is here, lights are up, shoppers are out, parties are on, relatives are in and everyone seems cheery, everyone except you. Got the blues?
Holidays can be a real mixed bag of emotions for people. For many, it is a joyful, cheerful time to reunite with friends and family and revel in holiday festivities. For still others, it can be full of grief.
"Everyone in the world seems to be feeling very happy, but you don't feel that way," says Ken Doka, Ph.D., an expert on grief and bereavement, describing the typical feeling of someone experiencing grief during the holidays.
If you feel down around the holidays, you certainly aren't alone. The holiday blues are extremely common and there are a variety of reasons why, according to Doka, who is a senior consultant at the Hospice Foundation of America and a professor of Gerontology at the College of New Rochelle, N.Y.
Holiday blues can be caused by simple pressures that accompany the holiday, such as the stress of gift buying, holiday preparations and/or apprehension about a big family gathering.
The blues also can be caused by loneliness, sadness or grief about someone who is no longer there.
"The holidays are a tough time for people who are grieving or who are coming to terms with all sorts of losses in their lives. Not necessarily death of a loved one, but being away from people they care about, or being divorced or separated. We're talking about grief in the broadest sense," Doka says.
Holidays are a predictable low because of the memories they often raise. "Holidays are centering moments in our lives. We remember the Christmas Grandpa did this, and we have these expectations of intimacy" because holidays are considered at time to be together with loved ones, Doka explains.
There is also a seasonal component to holiday depression. Some people experience a drop in mood because of what is often called "winter blues," technically known as seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Decreased sunlight is thought to be the culprit in SAD. About 11 million people are diagnosed with SAD, and women are four times more likely to suffer from it than are men.
"All of these things contribute to making the holiday a tough time," Doka says.
Doka has "three Cs" of coping for those who suffer from holiday or winter blues - choose, communicate and compromise.
- Choose. Make choices about what you want to do and whom you want to be with. Who's going to be supportive? What things cause stress? What can you do to make them less stressful? If holiday shopping is stressful, then shop online or by catalog or send a holiday check. Even if your choices don't turn out right, at least you won't feel pushed into something. Also, you can learn from bad choices.
- Communicate. Let people around you know about the choices you have made.
- Compromise. Your choices could cause or complicate other people's grief, so try to find some middle ground. If you think you'll find it stressful to be with the kids for the holiday, then spend only part of it with them. If you don't have the energy to host a big family gathering, eat out.
"It's important to take care of yourself at this time," Doka says. "Recognize it's stressful, and be gentle with others."
Finally, he says, realize most people are not being insensitive if they say, "Have a wonderful holiday."
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External Sources
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National Institute of Mental Health
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Hospice Foundation of America
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National Alliance for the Mentally Ill
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This article was reviewed and updated June 2007.
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