Finding Your Way Out of an Abusive Relationship

It's a hard thing to admit to yourself, let alone others. You may make excuses for your partner or blame yourself for making him angry.

Nearly one in every four women is physically assaulted at some point by a date or someone she lives with. It happens to people of every age, income and education level. Men can be the victim, too, although it is not as common.

A violent incident may seem like a one-time event. A spouse apologizes and promises never to do it again. But this is often the start of a terrible cycle.

There are not always bruises and broken bones, though. Domestic abuse includes any pattern of behavior used to control, coerce, humiliate or degrade a partner. Substance abuse can make the problem worse.

Types of abuse
Emotional abuse can be hard to recognize at first. You may think your partner is just protective, jealous or moody. Early signs of abuse may be a partner who:

• Tracks what you're doing and who you're with
• Attempts to control what you do; won't let you work or take classes
• Tries to isolate you; discourages you from seeing family and friends
• Gets touchy about perceived slights
• Pressures you into sexual activities
• Withholds affection

The abuser may try to instill fear, intimidate and assert power in these ways:

• Emotional and verbal: cruel comments or name calling, or embarrassing you in front of others
• Financial: controlling and withholding money
• Legal: hurting you through a mean, costly divorce battle
• Physical: pushing, slapping, kicking, choking or using a weapon
• Property damage
• Threats to commit suicide, or to hurt you, a child, or a pet if you try to leave or report the violence

Why people stay
Leaving an abusive relationship can be difficult. If it is someone you love, you may blame or doubt yourself. Others deny or rationalize the violence.

Some stay with abusive partners out of fear for their family's safety or a desire to keep the home intact for children. Or a wife may not feel she can survive financially on her own. Others, especially men, may stay out of shame, not wanting others to know they have been battered.

Some people simply hang on to the hope that their partner will change. To cope, they become detached or numb to the situation.

You're not trapped
If you think you are being abused, talk to your doctor or a therapist, or call a domestic abuse hotline. It's typical to have symptoms that might include:

• Sleep problems
• Decreased energy
• Changes in appetite
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Inability to concentrate
• Hopelessness

You can also turn to friends or relatives, a nurse, the police or a clergy person. Most communities have shelters for abused women and children if you need a place to go. Even if children aren't being abused directly, they may develop behavioral problems from living with violence.

Above all, remember that the abuse is not your fault. No one has the right to hurt or threaten you. You have the power to improve your life by saying "no" to bad treatment. The first and hardest step may be to face the problem and ask for help.

Sources:

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The problem. Accessed November 9, 2007.

American Psychiatric Association. Let's talk facts about domestic violence. Accessed November 9, 2007.

National Domestic Violence Hotline. Get educated: What is domestic violence?