When Pretty Darn Good Isn't Good Enough

Evan's report card includes three A's and one B. His father questions him about the B and barely mentions the A's.

Elaine's husband and friends tell her she looks terrific. She dwells all evening on having gained a pound.

Evan's father and Elaine are perfectionists. For them, "very good" is not enough. Perfectionists are exacting and critical. There is always something that could be better. Despite praise from others for a job well done, they beat themselves up for any minor flaw. They may also be disappointed by family members, coworkers and friends who don't live up to their standards either.

Behaviors that may be tip-offs of perfectionism are:

• Difficulty making decisions (not wanting to err)
• Discounting praise from others and never crediting yourself for success
• Tendency to be nit-picky, compulsive or obsessive; seeing only the flaws
• Frequent criticizing, impatience and finding fault with others
• Extreme concern with personal appearance, neatness and minor details
• An emphasis on "shoulds"
• Procrastination, triggered by the pressure to be perfect
• Being fiercely competitive and avoiding activities if you can't be the best

Perfection takes a toll
For perfectionists, the devil is in the details. Wanting everything "just so" can take away enjoyment from life and ruin relationships.

Being driven to excel may stem from a childhood fear of rejection or a need for approval. A parent who set the bar at "perfect" and valued a child for achievements may have passed on those expectations, which become internalized. Impossible standards set the stage for constant pressure, frustration and a sense of failing. It is a duel with one's self that can never be won.

The demands perfectionists make on themselves are extreme. Fear of making a mistake can keep them from starting a task or moving forward. The inability to "go with the flow" or control an outcome can lead to a number of anxiety and stress-related ailments. Perfectionists are more likely to have:

• Low self-esteem
• Eating disorders
• Depression
• Addictions
• Hoarding problems
• Social anxiety
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder

Being good enough
Perfection is a personality style, not a disorder. Giving it up involves becoming more flexible and separating your worth from how you perform. If you get hung up on being perfect:

• Accept that we all have limits. Forgive yourself for falling short when you are doing your best.
• Identify your inner critic - most likely, a parent. If you know where the pressure comes from, you may be able to silence the voice.
• Be more realistic. Aim for 100 percent, but be ready to accept less.
• Praise the people in your life. Let them know they've made the mark.
• Adjust your attitude. Look for humor when things go wrong and learn from your mistakes.
• Let go of a few "shoulds." What's the worst that could happen if you leave work on time or leave dishes in the sink?
• Focus on what you are doing - not the end result. Judge your success by how much you enjoyed the process.
• Set a deadline. When time is up, move on and don't do an umpteenth revision.
• Get perspective. Look at what you have done well - not just the shortcomings.

It's widely accepted that no one is perfect. With that in mind, being "pretty darn good" should start to look better.

Related Articles Social Anxiety: More Than Just Shyness Running Around Like Crazy? Stop Hoarding: When You Can't Throw it Away Eating Disorders - Overview

External Sources American Psychological Association Monitor on Psychology. The many faces of perfectionism. Accessed December 6, 2007. Counseling Center at the University of Illinois. Perfectionism. Accessed December 6, 2007. University of Texas, Counseling & Mental Health Center. Perfectionism: a double-edged sword. Accessed December 6, 2007. Duke University, Student Health Center. Perfectionism. Accessed December 6, 2007.

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