How to Support a Victim of Rape

If someone you know has been a victim of a sex crime, such as rape, you might not know what to do or say. Chances are she might not even want to talk about it herself or know how to broach the subject with you.

Whether the event took place days ago or many years in the past, it's important to help someone you care about cope with this trauma. The effects of rape can last a lifetime. You can help in the healing process by being supportive, sensitive and understanding.

What to do if the crime just took place
First, take the woman to a safe place where she will not be alone. If possible, she should not bathe, douche, eat, drink, smoke or change clothes before being seen by a doctor or police officer. Even if she isn't ready to think about taking legal action, it's important to preserve any evidence just in case. Help her get medical treatment right away at an emergency room. Also encourage her to seek counseling as soon as possible so she can start to heal emotionally. Many communities have 24-hour rape hotlines.

Helping her cope later on
One of the best things you can do for someone who has been a victim of rape is to be a good listener. Don't pressure her to open up, but be there for her when she's ready to tell her story. If and when she does talk, resist the urge to give advice or pry for details of her story. Just listen to what she has to say. Also remind her that she was not to blame for the rape, regardless of the circumstances. This may help her let go of shameful feelings linked to the abuse.

Rape victims often benefit from professional counseling or support groups for victims of sexual violence. That includes even those who have the support of friends and family. Hotlines for victims of rape also are an option for women who don't want to meet a therapist in person.

Here are some helpful phrases that you can keep in mind when you do talk about what happened:

• Be sympathetic: "I am so sorry this happened to you."
• Be understanding: "I believe what you're saying."
• Be accommodating: "How can I help you feel more secure?"
• Be supportive: "Can I help you find someone to talk to, maybe even someone who's been through it herself?"

Even though you might be a good sounding board for the victim, don't expect to solve all her problems or take the pain away completely. And hearing a close friend, partner or family member talk about her experience can be traumatic for you, too. If you find yourself having emotional or physical reactions to the crime, seek counseling for yourself.

When your partner is struggling with a past trauma
Whether the event took place recently or before you knew each other, your partner may be withdrawn. She may resist your attempts to be intimate, even in a nonsexual way. In turn, you may feel helpless or even guilty. This is normal. What she needs most is reassurance that she is loved and cared for. Patience and hugs can go a long way toward making her feel comfortable again. Joint sessions with a therapist familiar with sexual abuse can also help you work together to address her painful past and how it affects your relationship.

Sources:

UCLA Medical Center Rape Treatment Center. Help a friend. Accessed February 4, 2008.

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. AAMFT consumer update: rape trauma. Accessed February 4, 2008.