Looking for Love

By Jill Ross, HealthAtoZ contributing writer

Roses are red, violets are blue. Another Valentine's Day but no valentine for you?

If this holiday for a "honey" has you down because no one is sending you hearts or flowers, you may be wondering why you haven't been struck by Cupid's arrow.

You've studied relationship books and tried social clubs, cooking classes, and dance lessons. You've even ventured on blind dates. What gives? Are you looking for love in the wrong places?

"Actually, I think looking is the problem, no matter where," says Carolyn Hax, the Washington Post advice columnist. "It just makes people look desperate, and that's one of the top five ways to send a romantic prospect running in the other direction."

Another problem with "looking," Hax says, is that it can become an all-consuming passion that can drive you nuts. In her book "Tell Me About It - Lying, Sulking, Getting Fat and 56 Other Things Not to Do While Looking for Love," Hax draws the analogy of turning your house over trying to find something.

"If three hours of playing 'Find the Keys' feels like a noxious waste of time, imagine three years of playing 'Find the Wife,'" she writes.

Find someone without looking

But Carolyn, you whine, how can I meet someone if I stay at home curled up on the couch in my fuzzy slippers watching TV? As one single put it, "I look at dating as if I want to buy a new car. I have to go look for one. How will anyone know I need a new car unless I tell them?"

Hax's advice: "You don't go out dating-shopping like you'd buy a car. You go out living. You do stuff you love to do, and, in the process, you will meet other people who love to do the same."

In other words, get out there. But don't go out JUST to meet someone, says Hax. "Go out because you love hanging out with your friends, or dancing, or listening to jazz, or taking classes,'' she says. "The reason to be 'out there' is to be living a full life."

A list of dating don'ts

Hax's book is all about her observations from hundreds of e-mails and letters she receives weekly from people looking for love. Would-be lovers seem to make the same mistakes time and time again, producing what Hax calls "a virtual catalogue of the most counterproductive ways to interact with other human beings."

Plenty of her "dating don'ts" have to do with behavior while out on a date, such as drinking too much, eating like a pig and having sex too early. Yet, Hax has more advice on "looking for love" missteps before you even get out the door:

1. Reading relationship books: Hax says the answer isn't in reading a book or taking a class but in finding a way to trust your own voice. Far more helpful than self-help books, she suggests, is talking with your friends not just about problems but also about life. "Listen for what makes people happy. Look up to someone and take note of traits you admire," she writes. "Look hard at the breakdowns of relationships past. See the pattern? No? See a therapist then, if your problems are tired, painful reruns and if you don't understand."
2. Being desperate and seeming desperate: Bars can be great places to practice your social moves, Hax says, but going to bars solely to find a relationship is desperate. So is complaining that you don't have a boyfriend, more than five minutes' worth of makeup and too-tight clothing. "So is believing your life is incomplete without a codependent. I mean, significant other," she writes.
3. Shopping, er, dating online: Here's an all-too common online dating story. The 5-foot, 5-inch blonde who said she weighed 125 pounds was off by about 100 when you met her, or the "entrepreneur" turned out to be a guy who advertised for business on telephone poles. "Stay away from venues in which your senses are cut out of the picture," Hax cautions. "If you can't see/hear/smell someone, how can you possibly judge that person wisely? You certainly can't tell if you have zero chemistry, and that's not something you want to find out after you've been sending each other e-smooches for six months."
4. Trying too hard: Hax provides several different scenarios, such as this one: "Guy One was a birder so you bought binoculars and learned to distinguish one plover from another plover from a thousand feet." Her word on trying too hard: "People, we seek. Parasites, we eventually have removed."
5. Thinking way too much of yourself: "If you think way too much of yourself, you're going to alienate the six billion or so people on earth, give or take a few, with enough sense to be repelled by your bloated sense of self," Hax writes. "That will leave you to choose among the few people you don't alienate, the ones who buy your act-and, therefore, have a bloated opinion of you."
6. Hating yourself: If you feel unworthy, chances are being around good, strong, happy people are going to make you feel even more inadequate, Hax says. That leaves you looking for love among people who don't like themselves much either and who won't make you feel much better, she says. "For one thing, you need their love and attention to keep you feeling special. And the minute you telegraph that need to other people, the minute you demonstrate that you won't leave no matter what, you've invited them to find out just how much abuse you'll stick around and take," she writes.

This article was reviewed and updated June 2007.