Avoiding the Rocks in Marriage

How can you keep your marriage sailing smoothly and steer clear of the rocks?

Unfortunately, too many couples who are having marital problems don't do anything about them until they are too close to the rocks, says Joshua Kates, a licensed clinical social worker in New Jersey who specializes in marriage and relationship counseling.

"People who need help wait much too long," says Kates. He uses the analogy of car repair when talking about maintaining a healthy marriage. "Imagine you're driving down the road and hear a noise in your car. Who hesitates to bring it into a service station? Yet, if you make the comparison of marriage as a vehicle toward a happy life, when there are noises under the hood, why aren't people going to see a professional?"

Nearly half the marriages in this country do get washed up, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. Nearly 45 percent of all first-time marriages wind up in divorce, and the rate increases with subsequent marriages.

The changing roles of men and women with more women working and often being the breadwinner, parents living longer, pressures of raising children are contribute to "stressors" in modern-day marital life, Kates asserts.

Kates' first piece of advice for married couples is to seek professional help before it's too late. Couples sometimes avoid going for help, he says, because they think they ought to be able to fix things themselves or they're embarrassed. All too often, though, couples can't fix things themselves.

"Most people weren't trained to mediate and objectively assess their own relationships." So it's not unusual to feel stumped by problems in your marriage or relationship.

Unfortunately, Marriage 101 isn't a course that's offered at most institutions of learning. However, Kates offers the following tips that can help couples have a happy, healthy marriage:

1. Listen to your partner. Listening is a much overlooked part of communication, Kates says. One of the biggest complaints he hears is that people feel their partner isn't listening to them. Listen and acknowledge what your partner is saying. Your spouse is entitled to his/her feelings and should be comfortable discussing them with you. As soon as you tell your spouse that he/she is "wrong" or that you don't want to hear it. "You've begun digging the hole in which you'll soon be buried," Kates declares. If you listen and acknowledge the other's feelings and point of view, he says, coming to agreements or compromises will be easier to achieve.
   
   
2. Talk about what you're feeling. "The most common theme in failing relationships is the unwillingness or inability to talk about what you're feeling, what's making you upset and how it can get better," Kates claims. "The saddest thing is to hear about a couple lying on the bed, watching TV and they both have something on their mind but they're not talking about it."
   

If you have a problem or complaint, frame it in a constructive way, in terms of how it affects you instead of blaming the other person. In other words, instead of "you never" use "I feel" or "I am." For example, you might say "when you tell me you want to stay home and don't want to go out, I feel locked in here."


3. Look at ways to create solutions and identify problems together. Learn how to create compromises and solutions. Identify where you connect. If your partner likes action movies and you don't, try and pick a movie you both enjoy. Or make an agreement to see the action movie if he/she will see your favorite romance with you. "You're talking about an hour and a half out of your life," Kates says. "What's the big deal?" What your life partner is interested in is at least worth checking out.
   
   
4. Remember what attracted you to your mate in the first place. Think about what turned you on about your mate, and don't stop flirting, Kates advises. Too often, he says, courting ends and so does flirting "and that's not fair."
   
   
5. Make time together. Don't let routines and pressures crowd out your couple time. According to Kates, some couples even make formal dates with one another or have a standing Friday or Saturday night date. Get a sitter or find another couple who has kids to swap babysitting. Creating time to be together is important, Kates says, even if it is for five minutes. "It's about feeling close and doing things to create that feeling," he says.
   
   
6. Set aside a specific time to resolve conflicts. Did you ever hear yourself or your mate saying, "I can't talk about it right now?" If feelings are too raw at the moment to hash things out, then make sure you set a specific time when you do talk about it. Make suggestions. For example: "When do you want to talk? How about when I get home? Can we do it this weekend when we drive up to your mother's?"
   
   
7. Do something "nice" for your spouse. "Nice" things can be individualized. Secretly leave a brief love letter in your husband's car or your wife's briefcase. Put a chocolate bar in a gift box for him/her. Call from work. Make a special dinner. Pick up a video you know your mate wants to see. It doesn't cost much, and the point is to take the time to show you're thinking of the other person.
   
   
8. Make plans for your marriage. Try to have a schedule of life events that you and your mate plan and discuss. You can keep revising as you go along. "Plan for today, tomorrow, this weekend, the next vacation, and the much longer term, retirement, the vacation home, or building a new wing onto the house," Kates says.

If you are looking for a marriage counselor or therapist in your area, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy can be reached by calling 703-838-9808.

Related Articles Heating Up Your Love Life Home Safety Women's Health Men's Health Parenting Finding Your Way Out of an Abusive Relationship Mediation Can Mean a Civilized Divorce

External Source American Association for Marriage and Family

This article was reviewed and updated June 2007.

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