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By Lila Havens, HealthAtoZ Writer
Finding out your spouse had an affair can feel like getting kicked in the stomach. For the person who was cheated on, the sense of loss and betrayal can feel overwhelming. It can be especially tough for those who had great trust in their spouse. The spouse who had the affair often feels loaded down with guilt and shame.
An affair rocks the foundation of a marriage. But it doesn't have to mean the end of the marriage. In fact, some marriages become stronger and closer after an affair. The key is not what happened in the past but what the two of you do now.
An affair depends on secrets and lies. These destroy trust. It takes time, effort and a commitment from both partners, but you can rebuild trust.
Moving past the pain
One of the first steps most couples take is to find a marriage counselor. A good counselor can help you talk about painful issues and make a plan for moving forward.
If you had the affair, you will need to help your partner feel safe and trust you again. To do this:
- Completely end the affair. Of course, sex must stop. So must all contact - no meetings, no phone calls, no e-mails. Put your attention back on your marriage.
- Be honest. It's probably best not to go into detail about the affair at first. But be sure that what you do say is the truth.
- Take responsibility. Own up to the pain you have caused. Don't lay the blame on the other woman or your partner.
- Earn her trust. Be where you say you will be. Check in with your partner as often as she needs it.
- Be patient. It may take a long time for a spouse who was cheated on to learn to trust again.
If your partner had an affair:
- Evaluate your marriage. If problems in your relationship helped lead to the affair, resolve to work on those issues.
- Be careful who you confide in. Telling friends or family who will take sides can make it harder to put your marriage back together.
- Work toward forgiveness. This can take time, but it's necessary if you are going to get past the affair and have a healthy marriage.
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