Relatively Speaking: Surviving Holiday Gatherings

Face it. Your holiday celebrations don't exactly resemble a Norman Rockwell painting. Between tired children, stressed out adults and old family battles, getting together with relatives may be more tension-filled than joyous. Should you simply avoid family get-togethers?

Returning home for the holidays can turn the most mature adult back into a teenager. During the holidays, family arguments tend to intensify.

You may have unhealed wounds from childhood that tend to reopen at family gatherings. You may have unsettled issues with a family member - and can only "make nice" for a short time before feeling overwhelmed. You may be bothered by the way other family members discipline - or fail to discipline - their children. Along with the disruption of normal, everyday life, these factors may make you dread holiday celebrations.

Another issue you may face is coping with the absence of loved ones who've celebrated with you in the past. Painful memories can often make the holidays unbearable.

Surviving family gatherings
The following tips can help make your family gathering more manageable.

• Keep your visit short. If you've traveled a long way, consider staying at a hotel instead of at your family member's home. First make sure that this won't cause any hurt feelings.
• Don't discipline anyone else's children. Let the child's parents handle problems with behavior as they see fit.
• Lower your expectations. Don't expect a picture-perfect celebration. If you expect less, you may enjoy yourself more.
• Don't try to change anyone. Ask yourself how you can change to make things go more smoothly. The only thing you can control is your own behavior.
• Be open and honest. If there's a problem, discuss it calmly instead of letting it simmer. Being too "polite" may end up in a blow-up.
• Don't be the one to start an argument. If someone says something critical, don't respond. Try to be complimentary whenever possible.
• Give children private time. Let them watch TV alone or go out to play.
• Live in the present. If you are missing a loved one or wishing your holiday was more like those you enjoyed as a child, you're bound to feel disappointed. Although it may be difficult, try to think of this as a time to make new memories.
• Enjoy the act of giving. Don't worry about how someone will react to your gift. Be happy that you were able to give it, and leave it at that.
• Be patient with children. Remember that they aren't following their usual routine, which can make them fussy and cranky.

Sources:

American Counseling Association. Making holiday visits home more enjoyable. Accessed December 11, 2006.

Kansas State University. Tips on how to avoid the mess and stress of holiday stays. Accessed December 11, 2006.

Psychology Today. 'Tis the season to be fighting - controlling family fighting during Christmas season. Accessed December 11, 2006.

This article was reviewed and updated June 2007.