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By Nina Sherak, HealthAtoZ contributing writer
It's a challenge for every American to process tragic events - like the attacks on the United States - and try to regain a sense of stability with everyday life. However, when tragedy hits, children may need some help to regain their balance.
Children can have a wide range of reactions that may change over time. After a disaster, young kids can revert to behaviors such as bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, nail biting or holding onto a security blanket. A nightmare or two might spring up in the days or weeks following a tragedy.
Some children may become clingy, have sleeping or appetite problems, become difficult or aggressive, or may just withdraw. Still others will act unconcerned or flippant attitude at first.
Attending to fears
What can parents or other adults do to help kids? Accept their feelings, whatever they may be, but watch for the feelings and symptoms to change over time. Children often fear separation from their family, injury, death or a similar disaster recurring to them or loved ones. Psychologists say parents and caregivers shouldn't ignore these fears.
They also say these fears should pass or at least lessen in three to four days. The intensity and duration of a child's reaction all depends on their closeness to the event, how directly it affects them and their individual sensitivity.
If your child seems tense, make sure to give them chances for vigorous exercise and outdoor play. Being active helps children (and adults) work off excess tension and energy.
Messages kids need to hear
The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) offers these six important messages children need to hear when a disaster touches their life:
- Disasters don't last very long. Soon, things will be back to normal.
- Life will settle down back into a routine.
- Look to your parents or other adults for help when you feel scared or confused. They will help you understand what is happening. Don't be afraid to ask questions like, When will I go back to school? Or, are we in danger?
- Sometimes it helps to write about your experiences or to draw pictures about what has happened. You can describe what happened and how you feel.
- It's OK to cry or feel scared during a disaster, but remember, it will get better.
- You may be able to help out. Learn about what's going on, and find out how you can help make things better.
Parents need to help children cope with trauma and rebuild their sense of security, which is hard to do when you are unsure how to cope yourself. A little guidance from child experts can pave the way.
Soften the blow with reassurance
Reassure your child that he/she is safe. Let your child know that people in authority - the President, the mayor, teachers - all are making sure that everyone is going to be safe.
Parents should reinforce the message: I'll make sure that you're safe. That is, after all, your main job as a parent. Offer immediate reassurance that those people closest to your child are OK, too. Even though it may seem obvious, spell out to your child that the members of her immediate family - Mom, Dad, brothers and sisters - all are safe. Next, reassure your child that other relatives, such as Grandma and Grandpa, are also safe. Repeating the list of dear ones who are all right will be comforting for you and your children. Also, encourage your child to call close friends or relatives to check in and share feelings.
Be honest and open
Whatever you say, keep it real. False reassurance doesn't help school-age children, and it certainly doesn't fool teenagers. Don't say that disasters will never affect your family again; children will know this isn't true, according to the National Mental Health Association (NMHA). Instead, say, "You're safe now, and I'll always try to protect you." Remind children that disasters are very rare.
Find out what your children are thinking and what questions they have. It's probably less important for parents to talk to their children than to listen to them.
Whenever a child is motivated enough to ask a question, it's a teachable moment. To keep the lines of communication open, it's important not to brush questions under the table. Parents should offer some kind of an answer. However, don't overwhelm them with everything you know about the subject.
Parents should be prepared to deliver the truth, but only as much truth as the child needs to know while keeping the information age-appropriate.
Also, don't be afraid to say, "I don't know." Part of keeping it open and honest is not being afraid to admit you don't have all the answers. Follow up by saying that experts are working hard to find out more about the who, what, where, how, and why of an extremely complex situation. If they're old enough, children can work with you to try to find some answers.
Cues from adults
Kids get their cues from adults on how to act and behave. Help your child see that life goes on by keeping a routine as best as you can. A regular schedule gives children a sense of structure and security. Kids need to see that everyday life will continue as close to normal as possible.
Help your child maintain perspective. When children hear about accidents or trauma, they tend to personalize the events. Kids tend to think: If a bad thing can happen to someone else, it could happen to me, too. They may relate a plane crash to a plane trip they once took, or if they see a fire in a large building, they think of the office where their parents work. Emphasize the isolated nature of what has happened, and - above all - that grown-ups are working to make sure that everyone will be safe.
Talk about your feelings, too. Even if children are too young to fully understand what's happening from a very early age, they pick up on their parent's emotional state. When facing the unknown with your child, make sure to explain that disasters cause feelings that even adults have trouble dealing with.
It's fine to let your children know that you're upset and sad. Make it clear, though, that you're not upset with them, and stay as calm and reassuring as possible. Temper this by explaining that talking it through, sharing feelings and finding ways to help make things better are examples of how people process tragedy and heal. Keep it positive and proactive.
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External Sources
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FEMA for Kids
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National Mental Health Association
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KidsHealth.org
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This article was reviewed and updated June 2007.
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