When Men Become Caregivers

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When Men Become Caregivers

By Howard Seidman, HealthAtoZ Writer

A woman facing a diagnosis of cancer, Alzheimer's, heart disease or any serious condition may be forced to deal with new stress, fears and physical symptoms. But she isn't the only one whose life is about to change.

Her husband or partner may be facing challenges of his own. These are often overlooked. Being thrust into the role of male caregiver can be jarring. He may face anger, guilt, fear, isolation, grief and worries about money. A husband may now have to take care of new scheduling, transportation, insurance, financial and legal issues. He may have to assume household duties his wife usually handled and meet the needs of other family members. In addition to all of this, he needs to deal with his wife's health issues and her new needs.

Overcoming "male tendencies"
Caring for someone with a serious illness is demanding, but it can be rewarding. Some men must first overcome classically male traits. They may feel they must "fix" things. Others may not want to ask a doctor or nurse for instructions. Some are unable to acknowledge their deepest feelings.

Beyond fear and guilt, men may react negatively to being thrust into the caregiver role. They may feel overwhelmed, burdened or trapped, and even wonder, "Why me?"

Men who feel unprepared or are unwilling to manage caregiving duties should make their limits known quickly. This allows couples more time to arrange for help.

Communication is key
Relationships are sure to change during a serious illness. Couples who learn to manage their differences will overcome these bumps in the road. Clear, open, trusting communication is essential.

If you are caring for a spouse:

Express feelings by speaking as "I."

"I feel so frustrated that you're in pain."
"I'd like you to feel more comfortable."

Confirm that you understand what she is saying.
Provide immediate, clear feedback about how you feel. Express your views during discussions - not three days later.
Don't try to read a partner's mind or make assumptions about how she is feeling. Ask "What are you feeling?" Asking "How are you?" begs the simple reply "fine," and doesn't get a discussion going.
Let the ill person make final decisions.
At times, the best approach is simply to listen.

Broaching difficult subjects
Male caregivers may be hesitant to start discussions. They may assume the other person does not want to talk, or wish to spare someone's feelings.

Sometimes it helps to tell someone in advance that you'd like to talk about a sensitive topic and then set a time to speak.

Another way to broach difficult subjects is to write a list, with columns for the caregiver and the care recipient. Write down simple tasks, such as cooking, cleaning and errands. Add complex subjects, such as getting information about treatments, dealing with medical bills and discussing shared challenges. Give a copy of the list to your partner; each of you can jot down your thoughts next to each item. Then, compare results. Start your discussion with issues where you have common ground.

Above all, choose to communicate with respect and kindness, even if the person who is ill can't return the favor. Show your love and understanding. It is also important for each of you to express appreciation for what the other is doing to help.

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Wed, Dec 3, 2008



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