Is She in Love ... With Herself? The Pitfalls of Dating a Narcissist

Bob had been out with Jen a few times. She was gorgeous, sexy and smart, and she loved basketball almost as much as he did. She seemed like a dream girl. At first.

Then he started to notice things. Like, she didn't really ask him much about himself. She never missed a chance to look in a mirror. She was always bragging about how important she was at work. "She was so stuck on herself," Bob said. "It didn't feel like a relationship. It was more like a one-woman show."

Bob didn't know the name for it, but he had spotted a narcissist.

The dating scene is full of pitfalls. Narcissists are one of them. If you're hoping for a healthy relationship, beware of these self-absorbed charmers.

"The greatest love of all"
The word narcissism is based on a Greek myth. Narcissus was a beautiful young man who fell in love with his own reflection. A narcissist, then, is someone who is consumed with self-love.

The extreme form of narcissism is called narcissistic personality disorder. People with this disorder will show at least five of the following traits:

• Feel they are stars - better than other people - and exaggerate their talents and accomplishments
• Feel that they should associate only with other "special" or important people
• Fantasize about having great success and power
• Want to be admired and complimented all the time
• Feel they deserve special treatment; rules don't apply to them
• Envy other people or think people envy them
• Use other people to get what they want
• Don't care about the feelings of others
• Act arrogant or haughty

It can be normal to have one or more of these traits at different times. But if a person has at least five of these traits, she has an actual disorder. And this can interfere with her ability to form healthy relationships.

What's wrong with loving yourself?
There's nothing wrong with self-esteem. People with healthy self-esteem value themselves and they can also value others. Narcissists, though, go beyond self-worth to self-absorption. A narcissist is so wrapped up with herself that there's little caring left over for anyone else.

Narcissists can seem like attractive, successful people. But they usually make lousy mates.

• They're typically selfish and manipulative.
• They tend to be more interested in power than intimacy.
• They often cheat on their partners.
• They don't really understand or care how others feel, so they can make a mess of other people's lives and not feel bad about it.
• They often have an underlying sense of inferiority and don't take criticism well.

That sounds familiar
If you're dating someone who fits the description:

• Listen to what she says about past relationships. Have all her past boyfriends been "losers?" Is it always the other person's fault when the relationship ends? This could be how she will describe you one day.
• Don't expect her to change unless she wants to. Therapy may help a person with narcissism, but it takes time and commitment. Most narcissists don't get treatment. Why should they? They think they're wonderful.

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External Sources Campbell WK, Baumeister RF. Is loving the self necessary for loving another? An examination of identify and intimacy. In: Fletcher GJO, Clark MS, eds. Blackwell Handbook of Social Psychology: Interpersonal Processes. Boston: Blackwell; 2001. Accessed February 7, 2008. Mental Health America. Personality disorders. Accessed February 6, 2008. National Association of Social Workers. Relationship current trends - types of personality disorders that can affect relationships. Accessed February 6, 2008. Young JQ. Narcissistic personality disorder. In: Ferri FF. Ferri: Ferri's Clinical Advisor 2008, 10th ed. Philadelphia, PA: Mosby Elsevier; 2008.

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