Teaching Your Kids That "No" Means "No"

Your toddler is screaming as you pull him away from a toy in the store. Your middle child "just has to have" those $100 jeans. Or your teen is pleading to hang out until midnight with friends.

One of the hardest things to master as a parent is the art of saying "no." Children often pull out all the stops to get their way. It's easier to give in, but you know you shouldn't.

What you're up against
Children are very good at testing your authority. The older they get, the better their negotiating skills become. Children need boundaries to feel safe as they grow and mature, though. Saying "no" sometimes is part of that.

First, you need to decide if you really mean "no." Understanding why your child feels he must have something may make this easier. Ask yourself:

• Does your child really need that toy or those jeans? Or is it because he saw it on TV or all her friends have it?
• Is there a compromise? Perhaps a less expensive brand of clothing would do, or having your child help pay for the item.
• Are your child's friends allowed to do what's being asked? Talking to other parents may be helpful.
• Is your child responsible enough to be granted this permission?

Keep in mind that:

• Trying to get all the details when your child just wants to hear a "yes" can lead to an argument.
• You're the parent first and a friend second. Don't feel guilty if your child gets mad at you.
• Take time to think things over, if needed. Discuss the issue with a spouse or other parents before giving an answer.
• Saying "yes" to one thing but "no" to another can be a win-win lesson in compromise.
• It's okay to change your mind sometimes. The best response is one that is well thought out.

Try to explain your point of view to an older child or teen. Understanding your reasons for saying "no" may change the way your child sees things.

Reasoning does not work well with a toddler or young child. Instead, you may need to eliminate the temptation that started the problem.

When a child won't take "no" for an answer

For younger children:

• Remove the child from the cause of the tantrum. This might mean leaving the store or going to another room.
• Talk quietly to a child until he or she is calm. Call a time-out if needed.
• Give examples of behavior that would be more likely to get the child what he or she wants:
• Asking nicely
• Showing you quietly what he or she wants

For older children:

• Can he wait until a birthday or other special occasion to get this item?
• Is she willing to do certain chores to help pay for an expensive item?

Parenting is a "learn as you go" experience and may be the hardest class you'll ever take. It's very important to be strong on battles that will teach your child good values. Giving children too much freedom doesn't help them learn about responsibility, compromise or patience. You may feel like a villain for saying "no," but setting boundaries teaches children what is important to you and helps them become responsible adults.

Related Articles Talking to Your Kids 101 Caring for a Grandchild with Behavior Problems

External Sources Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Child development. Accessed October 3, 2007. American Academy of Pediatrics. Parenting Corner Q&A: Discipline. Accessed October 3, 2007.

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