How to Handle Temper Tantrums

Why do children have temper tantrums?
Can temper tantrums be prevented?
How do I deal with a tantrum?
What shouldn't you do during a tantrum?

Everyone knows what it's like to witness a child's temper tantrum. Even before you had kids of your own, you may remember standing in a grocery store line behind some woman who may have uttered that two-letter word no 2-year-old wants to hear - N-O - only to be met by wailing and whining from the child.

Temper tantrums can be hard on parents and kids. Parents get frustrated and embarrassed, particularly if their little darling is acting up in a public place. When children have tantrums, they, too, may be expressing frustration, anger or disappointment.

Why do children have tantrums?

Temper tantrums are a normal part of a child's development as he learns self-control. Emotions are hard for young children to hold inside, and hard for them to express in words. So, when they are frustrated, angry, or disappointed, they often cry, scream, stomp up and down, and may even throw themselves on the floor kicking and screaming. Children have temper tantrums when they aren't getting their own way, to get a grownup's attention, or when they are tired, hungry or feeling helpless.

Nearly all children have tantrums between the ages of 1 and 3. Some people call them "the terrible twos." After age 3, temper tantrums taper off as children learn to express their feelings. Children who cannot express their feelings well with words are more apt to continue having tantrums. Temper tantrums may also continue, even when a child is older, if there have been unusual changes or stresses in the child's life.

Don't be surprised if your child has tantrums only in front of you. For one thing, this is one way he can test your rules and limits. For another, children feel safer showing their feelings to the people they trust.

Can temper tantrums be prevented?

You can't prevent all tantrums, but you can reduce the odds of your child having one if you follow these suggestions:

• Make sure your child is well rested, especially before a busy day or before a lot of activity.



• Keep a daily routine as much as possible, so your child knows what to expect.



• Avoid long outings or keeping a child out late beyond her bedtime. If you have a trip, bring along your child's favorite books or toys for entertainment.



• Encourage your child to use his words to describe feelings. You might suggest words that can help your child express feelings, such as "I'm really angry."



• Let your child make choices when possible. If your child resists taking a bath, you can be firm about the bath, but you might ask which toys he would like to pick to bring in the bath.



• Allow transition time when changing activities. If your child is having fun, he will need some time to switch gears when he must change to another activity. For example, if he's playing as dinnertime approaches, give him a five-minute notice that you will be eating soon.

How do I deal with a tantrum?

You see it coming, but it's too late. The tantrum has begun, and now what do you do?

Here are some suggestions that can help you both get through it:

• Distract your child by calling his attention to something else, such as a new activity, book, or toy. Or interrupt his behavior with a comment like, "Do you see what that kitty is doing?" Changing your location may work. Try something like, "let's go outside and look at the flowers." Humor, or making a silly face, can work, too, sometimes.



• Try to remain calm. Shouting or becoming angry is only likely to make matters worse. The general rule is the more attention you give a tantrum, the more likely it is to happen again.



• Ignore it, if it's minor. Either stand quietly and wait until it's over, or silently pick him up and leave the scene. This might mean leaving a store or a checkout line and taking your child to your car to calm down. If you are unable to leave the child alone for safety reasons or because you're in a situation where you can't leave (such as on an airplane), holding her may comfort her.

Some temper tantrums cannot be ignored. The following behaviors should not be ignored and are not acceptable:

• Hitting or kicking parents or others



• Throwing things in a dangerous way



• Prolonged screaming or yelling

Use a cooling-off period or a "time-out" to remove your child from the situation. For children old enough to understand, a good rule of thumb for a time-out is one minute of time for every year of your child's age. For example, a 3-year-old would get a three-minute time-out.

What shouldn't you do during a tantrum?

• Never punish your child for a temper tantrum. He may start to bottle up his anger or frustration, which can be unhealthy. Try to respond calmly, with understanding. As your child grows he will learn to deal better with his emotions.



• Do not reward your child for stopping a tantrum. Rewards may teach your child that a temper tantrum will help her get her way.



• Don't try to reason with your child during a tantrum. Logical explanations are unlikely to be heard through the crying and yelling.



• Don't change your "no" to a "yes" just to get your child to be quiet. Letting your child have his way may solve the problem that instant, but if he learns that throwing a tantrum will help him get his way, he'll surely try it again.

External Sources American Academy of Pediatrics Woolf AD, Shane HC, Kenna MA, eds. The Children's Hospital Guide to Your Child's Health and Development. Cambridge, MA. Perseus Publishing; 2000

This article was reviewed and updated June 2007.

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