Talking to Your Child About Adoption

Even before you expanded your family through adoption, thoughts of how you'd break the news to your child may have crossed your mind. When should she be told? What will his reaction be like? Will they want to know about their birth parents?

Start the conversation
Ideally, talking with a child about adoption is a lifelong process that starts when he or she is young. Many experts say it's best to slowly introduce the topic as early as infancy, even though most children don't understand the concept of adoption until later. You can start by using the word "adoption" when you talk to your child. For example, when you give your child a hug, you may say, "I'm so glad we adopted you."

Keep things simple
Use simple terms when you tell your child his or her adoption story. Be open, honest and straightforward. Give direct answers to any questions and repeat the story often. Over the years, continue to provide more details and encourage your child to ask questions. Create a climate in which talking about adoption is easy and natural. Keep in mind that your exact words aren't as important as the tone of your conversation. There aren't any "perfect" answers.

Be prepared for your child's reaction
Children may be upset or confused when they find out they were adopted. Remind your child that he or she is loved by you and was also loved by his or her birth parents. If not, they wouldn't have chosen to place their child with a devoted family who could care for a baby better. Adopted children may also fear being "un-adopted" if they misbehave. Reassure your child that his or her new family is a permanent one, no matter what happens.

Make a life book
You may want to create a life book to help your child feel a sense of pride in his or her background. Start with anything you may know about your child's birth parents or pictures from his or her orphanage or foster family. Tell the story of how you came to adopt him or her, including how you prepared for him or her to come home. If your child is from another culture, teach him or her about that heritage. Let your child know about the language, religious beliefs, cultural practices and history. A life book can help you talk about adoption while helping your child to develop positive self-esteem and a secure identity.

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External Sources U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Children's Bureau. Explaining adoption to your children, family and friends. Accessed October 31, 2007. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. The adopted child. Accessed October 30, 2007.

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