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By Nancy Menefee Jackson, HealthAtoZ contributing writer
Parents today worry that children are over-scheduled, that they don't have enough time for the make-believe, free play of past generations.
Family life feels too hectic, with everyone running in different directions and hardly enough time to wash the uniforms between games or eat before play rehearsal.
But before they can even examine that notion, they've got to get Joe to baseball practice and Megan has a lacrosse game -- and it's pizza for dinner again.
One indicator that children aren't getting the free time they need, says Dr. Brad Sachs, Ph.D., author of "The Good Enough Child: How to Have an Imperfect Family," is when the parents themselves feel smothered by their schedule.
"I think parents are putting undue pressure not only on kids but on themselves, and it's that combination that's the problem," Sachs says. Many times, it's the parents' barometer - feeling irritable or chronically behind - that indicates over-scheduling.
Children, too, show signs - they may dillydally when asked to get their equipment together or lose their enthusiasm for an activity. A big warning sign, Sachs says, is when basic responsibilities, such as chores and homework, aren't getting done.
Sachs knows that parents today face tremendous pressures. Sports that once had a distinct season have morphed into year-round activities, and whether it's dance, band or art, along comes another camp that would help the child develop in that area.
"Everything becomes year-round," Sachs says. "It takes a toll on everybody and comprises the child's overall broad-ranging development. The coach wants the kid in fall soccer and spring soccer and summer soccer camp and the kid wants to do it, too - his or her friends are going. But there are other things a child needs to develop for a whole individual."
Nor is it as easy as just saying, play X sports and X activities. It's so individual as to how much structure and organized activity is good for a child. One might thrive with more structure, and practice five days a week, while another needs plenty of free time in order to feel whole and complete. And if parents have more than one child, it becomes even harder to strike a balance as siblings are dragged to one another's activities.
To develop as a whole, spiritual person, a child needs time that is unencumbered by expectations. A child naturally will become introspective and grow spiritually if they're given that time. But in today's hurried world, that need gets lost in the need to achieve.
"A child can't develop a spiritual life if he or she is being dragged to this practice or that performance," Sachs says.
In fact, a recent federal study noted that children spend an average of more than an hour a day in the car, and that's not counting the time spent on school buses.
It might be ideal for one kid to be thrown into the whole drama thing with auditions and productions," Sachs says, "but if that means the other two siblings are dragged to rehearsals, if the siblings pay the price, or you the parent pays the price, you have to question what the long-term value is."
Sachs stresses that he is not trying to make parents feel guilty; he knows the pressures they face, and how easy it is to get caught up in the constant running.
"Don't judge by achievements," he notes. "We let kids down if all we do is make them the center of this achievement-oriented world."
He suggests including kids in the discussion of what is workable for the family. And the family must decide what they need, such as how many nights a week they'll have dinner together, and will they have one or two evenings a month to do something, and do they have time to attend church or synagogue and visit grandparents. They make those priorities, and then determine what activities will fit into the schedule. Parents also need to remember to ensure they have time for themselves as a couple, too.
Usually, he notes, parents do the reverse: They dash to the kids' activities and then try to see what is left over.
He also cautions parents that making a tough decision to resist over-scheduling, one that benefits kids in the long run, won't be welcomed by those same kids.
"Parents have to realize it's not their job to be liked," he says. "You have to lead and be effective, and leaders are not always liked. Leaders don't worry about being liked. They keep their eye on the goal. It's easy for parents to get caught in a force field -- it's like the magnet on a compass; we lose what true north is."
Sachs reiterates that parents shouldn't feel guilty if they're in that same force field and feel the family has lost its family time.
"The point is not for parents to feel badly about the choices they've made," Sachs says. "These are difficult decisions to make. It's not black or white. But the point is not to feel guilty and toss your hands up. The point, as I made in my book, is that it's not what you have or what you do that makes a satisfying life. It's who you are and who you love."
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External Source
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The American Academy of Pediatrics
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This article was reviewed and updated June 2007.
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