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By Aliyah Baruchin, HealthAtoZ writer
Every family with two or more children has heard it:
"He hit me!"
"She's wearing my pants!"
"I had the crayons first!"
No matter how close or loving they are, sisters and brothers sometimes fight. The reasons depend on their ages and what they're figuring out about the world. As a parent, there are a few things you can do to create peace.
Where does conflict start?
A number of different things can cause brothers and sisters to fight:
- Age differences. Your child is developing specific skills based on his or her age. Toddlers are learning to express their wants and protect their possessions. Your toddler may react if another child tries to use one of her toys - even if she herself isn't using it.
- Special needs. If you have a child with a disability or illness, your other children may feel that they're not getting as much attention. They may also act out because they are worried about what their brother or sister is going through.
- Unique personalities. Siblings can have completely different personalities, which sometimes clash. Some children need lots of time with others, while others like to have time alone or with just one other person. Some kids are anxious and easily thrown off kilter; others are calmer and adjust to change more easily.
How parents can help
When siblings start to fight, parents often have an urge to step in and settle the argument themselves. However, that approach won't teach kids how to get along better or work out problems. Learning how to listen to other people, work out conflicts and handle strong emotions are skills that your child will need throughout life.
If tempers have really flared, the first step is to separate your kids until they've cooled down a bit. Listening to constant squabbling can be irritating for you, too. How you deal with your own anger will show your children how to deal with theirs.
Instead of trying to settle the problem for your kids, help them learn how to settle it themselves. Don't blame one child. In most cases, it takes two to argue. Instead, get down on their eye level and ask each child to tell you what happened. Be sure that each child listens to the other's words. Then coach them about how to settle the dispute - perhaps by "signing up" for a toy and then letting someone else have a turn. Ask them for suggestions about how to resolve the argument. If need be, let them play in separate rooms for a while before they come back together.
Setting the Rules
Take a few basic steps to help ward off sibling spats:
- Give each child some space. Be sure that your kids don't have to share everything with each other. Some possessions should be theirs only. Each child should also have some time alone with you and with friends without another sibling along for the ride. Schedule one-on-one time with each child. Go to the library with a child who loves to read or kick a soccer ball with a child who loves sports.
- Make basic rules for behavior. No hitting, no yelling, no calling each other names. Let your kids help make the rules - and help decide what happens when they're broken.
- Have fun as a family. Play a game, take a walk, wash the car. It's a way for your kids to interact peacefully and not have to share your attention.
When is it something more than sibling rivalry?
Some conflicts between siblings can become serious. Ask your pediatrician to refer you to a child therapist if:
- One of your children poses a physical danger to any other member of the family.
- Your other children are affecting the self-esteem or psychological health of a sibling.
- One of your children is acting out and appears to have depression or anxiety.
- The rivalry is affecting your marriage or partnership.
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