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Danny was at the top of his class academically. But that didn't matter when he was caught cheating on his final exam in algebra. Crying in the principal's office, he had a hard time explaining why he cheated.
If the principal told you your teenager was academically dishonest, how would you help your child? In the Field Guide to The American Teenager, authors Joseph Di Prisco and Michael Riera suggest that parents facing this issue find the underlying reasons for cheating (pressure to get good grades, for example) and reinforce moral values.
Cheating is a way for teens "to experiment with the limits of their moral responsibility," and far more kids do it than parents suspect, Di Prisco says. Two thirds of parents polled believe their children never cheat. According to a survey of teens listed in Who's Who, though, 80 percent of high achievers said they do cheat in school, said the field guide, which is based on Riera's and Di Prisco's observations and information during their careers in education.
"Kids need to know that schools and parents have limits, boundaries," Di Prisco said in a HealthAtoZ interview. "Don't expect your kids to be perfect; they're going to mess up. They need to know that they can try again and that failure is not do or die, the end of the world."
Why are they always on the phone?
Your teen may not be a cheater, have an eating disorder or experiment with drugs, but his or her friends may exhibit such behaviors. Because parenting is an art, it's important to understand your teenager's whole world, particularly his or her interaction with teachers and friends outside of the house, Di Prisco says.
"Remember that nothing gives a parent better insight into their teenager's 'real life' than knowing his friends. Chances are the more familiar you are with your teen's friends, the more comfortable you're going to be with what he's doing," writes Riera, an educator who hosts a show for teens on the Oxygen network and Di Prisco, who has more than 20 years' experience as a teacher and administrator in public, independent and parochial schools.
Here are some suggestions from Riera and Di Prisco about other tough-to-answer situations faced by parents of teens:
Why do teenagers spend so much time on the phone, sending text messages and instant messaging? That's because these methods are "sacred instruments of connection" to friends who are experiencing the same feelings and transformation from childhood to adulthood. "As a parent, if you understand why they're doing it, that it isn't meaningless, you're that much better equipped to decide when to let it happen and when to put a stop to it," the authors write.
How are teenagers using the Internet and how can parents control it? Try using trust and openness to minimize the risks of your teens viewing inappropriate material. "Ask your teenager for a guided tour. If you're really worried, keep the computer in a public space, at least for a time. And, as a last resort, every once in a while hit the "history" key on the Web browser if you really need to put your mind at ease," Di Prisco and Riera write.
Instead of fights and conflicts between parents and teens, is there a way to bring peace back into the house? Don't let conflicts dominate your home. "You're going to fight. Your teenager is going to seem at times emotionally out of control. Keep it in context, and don't take it so personally. Not an easy task but the more you embrace the bumps in the road, the smoother the ride will be," Riera and Di Prisco write.
Are teenagers really different today? No, but you are and so is the world that you share with your teen. The same things that intrigue your child - cars, sex, knowledge, truth, love and independence - are what interested you when you were a teen but now terrify you as a parent. "Remember, you cannot manage your teenager's world. Instead, you must depend on connection, relationship, faith and trust," according to the authors.
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External Sources
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The National PTA
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The National Education Association
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The U.S. Department of Education
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This article was reviewed and updated June 2007.
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