Supporting a Friend or Relative Who is Dying

It doesn't get much more difficult. Being at the side of a family member or friend at the end of life, though, can be the most important thing you will ever do for someone.

People who are dying may be deserted by friends and relatives who don't know how to cope with their own grief. Others may avoid contact because they don't know what to say.

You don't need to be a professional counselor to be helpful to someone near the end of life. Just being there for someone who is lonely and isolated can be more than enough. If it is too hard for you to visit, show your support with a phone call or personal note.

When talking to someone who is dying, you won't go wrong if you simply listen. Don't have expectations about how the person should feel. Listen without criticism and without giving advice. If you aren't suffering from a terminal illness yourself, don't tell the person you know how he or she feels.

You might think that someone who is dying would not want to talk about death. You may find, though, that the person needs such an outlet because his or her loved ones are avoiding the topic. Follow your friend's lead and don't force a specific conversation. Show that you are open to hearing all concerns.

Offering comfort to someone who is dying can be a deep, unforgettable experience. It's a meaningful memory you can treasure long after your loved one is gone.

Tips for visiting someone who is terminally ill

• Ask how you can help. Make suggestions, such as driving to a doctor's office, getting groceries or helping with paperwork.
• Encourage your loved one to talk about his or her life, stressing accomplishments from the past.
• Learn more about the person's illness so you can be more understanding and prepared as the illness progresses.
• Help the person create a way to be remembered. This might involve taping a video of the person telling favorite stories or sharing values and hopes in a letter to a grandchild.
• Watch a video, play cards, go to the zoo or read a book together. Companionship matters more than what you do.
• Tell the person you will miss him or her, and express your love. Talk about the fun you've had together and what that has meant to you.
• Remember that a soothing touch can be comforting. Applying lotion or stroking someone can calm fears and anxieties.
• Lastly, even if you are feeling helpless, remember that you are sending a loving message to the dying person that you are always there for him or her.

Related Articles How to talk about end of life care What to Do When a Friend is Seriously Ill

External Sources National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization. Providing comfort care. Accessed January 24, 2007. Hospice Net. Helping a friend who is dying. Accessed January 4, 2007.

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