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By Jane Harrison, R.D., HealthAtoZ Writer
Jim and Laura were almost retired. Suddenly, they found themselves having to raise their two grandsons when their daughter and son-in-law were killed in a car accident.
Nearly four million children and 1.5 million grandparents live in grandparent-grandchild households in the United States. Often, the parents can no longer take care of their children because of physical or mental illness, death, substance abuse or money problems.
The grandparents may be at a time in life when they are looking to retire, travel and/or simplify their lives. Instead, they are faced with the job of being a primary parent again.
While you may be consumed with caring for your grandchildren, it's critical to care for yourself as well. Perhaps you have health problems of your own. Maybe you are grieving the loss of a son or daughter, or dealing with the stress of an adult child who is in prison or addiction treatment, or who is mentally ill. You may also feel isolated as you give up your current lifestyle and take on a whole new set of duties.
Taking on a new role
Following are some tips to keep in mind as you face the challenges of being both parent and grandparent:
- Acknowledge your feelings. One minute you have the delightful role of being able to spoil your grandchildren. The next, it's your job to discipline and raise them. This can be a major adjustment. You may experience a range of emotions, including resentment, anger, loss and even guilt. It may help to talk honestly about your feelings with a trusted friend, therapist or clergy member. Look for support groups in your area or online forums for grandparents in the same situation.
- Attend to your own health. Always check with your doctor before increasing your activity level. Taking care of children may place new physical demands on you. You may not be able to keep up the same pace the second time around. You will have a hard time caring for your grandchildren if you are not taking care of yourself. Keep up with your regular check-ups. Don't neglect your medications. Get regular exercise and eat a healthy diet to keep up your energy.
- Give yourself a break. Parenting is a demanding job, especially the second time around. It is important to build in time for yourself. Seek out childcare assistance or help from neighbors and friends. Setting aside time to read, go to the movies, or have lunch with friends can make all the difference in your mental outlook.
- Be nurturing, but firm. Once your role may have been purely to nurture, enjoy and play with your grandkids. Now, it is more important than ever to set limits. Be firm, but fair, and keep in mind that structure and rules will help your grandchildren know what is expected of them. This also helps them feel safe when there is a lot of change afoot.
- Seek out assistance. Grandparents often have fewer resources than parents, both emotionally and physically, when "re-parenting." If you are on a fixed income, contact your local Office of Public Assistance for help. You may qualify for Medicaid, Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) grants, food stamps or welfare benefits. If the help is there, don't be ashamed to take it.
Becoming a parent again can be an overwhelming and challenging task when you're older. At the same time, it can also be very rewarding. Remember this: You are providing a loving and safe environment for your grandchildren. And most children who are raised by their grandparents grow up feeling incredible love and respect for them. As the kids get older, they may come to understand and be deeply appreciative of the sacrifices you made for them.
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