How to Cope After a Miscarriage

From the moment you realize that you are pregnant, it's hard not to think of how a baby will change your life. You may begin to think of names or start planning a nursery. Perhaps you share the news with friends or family right away.

But then something terrible happens. Maybe you start bleeding and your doctor confirms what you didn't want to hear. Or maybe just as you start the second trimester - when you think you're "safe" - an ultrasound shows your baby has no heartbeat. Suddenly, all of your hope is taken away.

No matter how far along you are when you have a miscarriage, the feelings of sadness, despair and even anger can be overwhelming. People around you may undermine your grief, especially if the loss was an early one. They may not grasp what a deep and instant connection you had with your baby. They may also neglect to offer support to the father.

Here are some ways to cope with the grief:

• Let go of the guilt. You may be asking yourself, "What did I do to cause this to happen?" In reality, though, it's almost certain that you did nothing to cause the miscarriage. More likely, it was caused by abnormal development of the baby - something out of your control.
• Allow yourself to mourn. Well-meaning friends and family members may encourage you to "get back to normal," but you shouldn't feel pressured to move on too quickly. Take a few days off from work if you need to.
• Seek support. Lean on people around you. It can make the days and weeks following a miscarriage a little easier to bear. Your doctor may be able to refer you to a counselor or special support group where you can connect with other women who have suffered losses.
• Let comments roll off your back. Well-meaning friends and family may say tactless things to you following a loss. Even though they are trying to be sensitive, comments like, "It happened for a reason" and "You can always get pregnant again" will be more hurtful than helpful. Try not to take them to heart.
• Don't be hard on your partner. You might find that you are comfortable being open with others about the loss, while your partner is more private about it. This is normal and not necessarily a sign that your partner isn't grieving, too. You may just be coping in different ways.
• Don't be hard on yourself. During the sensitive period following your loss, you may hear the news that friends or family members are expecting or have given birth. Your reaction may be one of resentment or even anger. You may get upset with yourself for even having those thoughts. This kind of response is to be expected, though, and those feelings will fade over time.

Some couples want to get pregnant as soon as possible following a loss, while others can't bear to think of becoming pregnant for many months. Your doctor can advise you when it's safe to start trying again. In the meantime, keep the lines of communication open with your partner as you heal from your loss.

Related Articles What is Tubal Pregnancy? What is Grief? What to Say to Someone Who is Grieving

External Sources InterNational Council on Infertility Information Dissemination. The Miscarriage manual: Coping with the emotional aspects of pregnancy loss. Accessed September 12, 2007. RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. Finding the strength within: pregnancy loss and healing. Accessed September 12, 2007.

Search